How To Have A Great Romantic Relationship

Through Your Eyes

We like to think that we have all grown up and are out there fully in our adult self doing our thing. You've got a house, a job, maybe a relationship and you think, "this must be what being an adult is." If we step back though and start to bring that awareness to our behaviors, thoughts and emotions we might just see hints of our childhood or our parents. The one looking through your eyes over at that special someone, might just be a child version of yourself begging for approval or an inner parent ready to say "no, don't do that!"

This is in fact the way most everyone operates as most of us are not coming from our full adult self, especially in our interpersonal relationships.​ This is because as a child you had to develop tools to survive and to gain the love and attention that you needed from your parents, siblings and friends. The first 7 years of your life are filled with socio-emotional interactions and your brain is not capable of seeing any of it as anything other than the absolute truth.  As a result you accumulate deeply embedded patterns from your traumas and dramas both big and small that are going to stay there as part of your operating system until they are acknowledged and brought back into wholeness.
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​As an example, imagine that a young man named Tom has a mother who was constantly belittling him and picking at him as young boy. He then grows up and meets Jane whose father was a pushover and who herself likes to be in control. From the moment Tom met Jane he just knew there was something about her, that they were destined to be together. Jane felt the same way and quickly they began dating and spent all of their time together. Bit by bit though they began to irritate each other. Tom started to feel like Jane was not respecting him as a man and Jane felt like Tom wasn't doing the things she wanted him to do. They were constantly pushing and pulling on each other to be different than what they saw. The relationship eventually ends because neither was able to bring awareness to their own biases and their own inner parts.

​Interestingly, the reality of Janes behavior was probably not exactly the same as Tom's mothers' behavior but Tom was seeing something familiar and overgeneralizing, unable to see Jane for who she truly was. Likewise Tom probably wasn't the pushover that Jane's father was but she still was that little girl looking at her father through grown up Jane's eyes.

The reason it felt like destiny was because Tom knew he had the tools to deal with a woman like Jane and Jane knew just how to control Tom. Neither of them was aware that they were each projecting their mother and father on the other person. Every time they would talk to one another they would be projecting their feelings about how they were treated by and saw their respective opposite sex parent.

​This is how probably 90%+ of relationships unfold. You may see your own parents living this out, "turning into their parents" as they age. It really begs the question, how many people are really living in their full adult expression?

Back To You

What then is the path to creating better and more fulfilling relationships?

​If you want to feel more connected in your relationships or if you want to attract someone that is a partner in the truest sense then you must bring in an awareness that perhaps hasn't been there. Acknowledge that you have some things to work on and then lovingly start on that path with yourself. Bring awareness to your behaviors, thoughts and emotions and recognize when you are probably not looking at the other person through your adult eyes. Also acknowledge that when someone acts or behaves in a certain way towards you that they are likely not acting from their adult self. 

I think the best place to start is with your body or emotions, depending on your natural orientation. When you behave or speak in a way towards another person that makes your body feel tension, then it is likely that you are speaking from an inner part that is not seeing the situation or person for what it is or who they are. Just having that awareness can be the spark to start choosing to behave differently. If you are emotionally oriented then pay attention to waves of emotion that arise when you are interacting in a relationship. Those waves of unsteady waters are another sign that you are operating from an inner part, one of your many inner child or inner adult parts.

Slowly you will begin to see yourself for who you truly are and begin seeing the other person for who they truly are. This is the foundation on which supportive, loving and compassionate relationship are built.

Becoming Your Best Relationship 

Understandably this may feel like a lot to take on all by yourself. You can definitely do it as I can personally attest but having someone to help you see what you aren't easily able to see can speed up the personal growth process exponentially.

In my hypnotherapy practice, I take clients into a hypnotic state to help them access their inner mind and we work with those parts that are seeing and interpreting the world from the perspective of unmet childhood needs. We use a number of techniques to bring them to a new understanding and to align them (inner child parts) with the real adult you and with your goals. 

Consider Tom, whom we know has issues with his mother. In a hypnotherapy session I might first have adult Tom talk to the part of him who feels that Jane is not respecting him. In that process, this part would realize that it's not helping Tom in his goal of having a healthy romantic relationship. And through various approaches we would bring that part into a new understanding and a new way of behaving'. Deeper work in subsequent sessions might involve a regression back to childhood to gain peace and understanding with his 'inner mother'. With each passing session Tom would feel an increasing sense of peace and ease and a greater confidence in his place in the world. In 5-10 sessions Tom would be a completely different and much more whole, mature and emotionally balanced person, ready to attract the person who is a good complement to this better version of himself.

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