In any relationship there are things that aren’t said, things that we hold back. There are emotions towards that other person that are somewhat undefined, subtle feelings of frustration, irritation, and of disappointment. This is part of being a social human, designed to co-exist with others in the experience of life. We get hurt, we become fearful, we feel angry but underneath it all there is a longing for oneness, a longing for belonging and connection.
When a relationship ends, whether due to someones passing or an ending of a relationship, those unsaid things, those inexplicable subtle emotions, are left standing alone waiting to be resolved into that oneness. And while it may feel like you are the one standing alone waiting to be connected again, in truth you are much more than that.
It is possible to find that oneness, that wholeness and sense of belonging after a relationship has ended. You can in fact do it within your own mind because in reality that is where everyone in your life exists, in your mind. Perhaps surprisingly, this inner version of that person wasn’t truly who they were, it was how you saw them. The good and the seemingly bad are all your perception. This is the light at the end of the tunnel because it means that if they exist in your mind, you can change the relationship, resolve the unresolved and you can feel better about it and about yourself.
Seeing Reality In Truth
As children our reality begins with our parents or guardians. They are our creators, our guides and our models for how to behave and interact with others. They are also the first to cause us feelings of hurt, fear and anger. From both action and inaction they teach us how to relate and what to expect from our bonds with others. As we grow older we build relationships with others and in those relationships we attempt to return to that oneness that we came from as newborn babies. However, unless we are a child of truly enlightened individuals, we struggle to find what we are looking for outside of ourselves in others.
In the others we are seeing our parents and we are behaving like our parents or we are behaving like our child selves towards our parents. These conflicts of parent/chid and child/parent are played out in our relationships and most of us don’t even realize it. This is the unseen, unreality of relationships. This is the undercurrent causing those subtle feelings of frustration, irritation and disappointment in others. When you can start to see this unreality of your perceptions you can begin the process of shifting into a greater truth and more importantly into your fully whole adult self, with that feeling of oneness and connection that radiates from within rather than coming from someone else.
Gaining From Loss
While this shift in perception may start to make a little bit of sense, the feelings and emotions that exist from the loss are real and they are painful. But as the buddhist saying goes, “pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice”. If you will allow it, the intensity of these feelings presents an opportunity for you. The hurt, anger and fear from our earliest years are having a light shone on them yearning to be resolved.
In hypnotherapy as I practice it, the first step away from grief and towards that wholeness is to elicit a shift in your state, to move you from this intense state of grief into one that is more manageable. I like to use several different techniques to do this in the hypnotic state, all of which can work very quickly. There are several keys to achieve this including changing your focus, changing how your body feels, and changing your thoughts. You’ve probably heard of some of these ideas in various forms, for instance, it’s often said that if you are feeling depressed (self-focus) you should go out and help someone that is less fortunate than you. Or if you are feeling anxious, go to the gym and move your body. These are all great solutions, however in hypnosis we can do this very quickly with the power of your mind and we can get it to stay with you. I use techniques such as T.A.T., EFT, Focusing, Eye Movement Therapy and Core Transformation to shift your state often in less than 20-30 minutes. This shift creates a foundation to do the deeper work and have you feeling more whole.
Uncovering Your Wholeness
Understanding that your feelings about your lost relationship are expressions of your deep inner mind we can begin to speak those unsaid words and build that relationship into something that feels complete in its own unique way. In your mind you can come to a place of understanding, acceptance, love and commonality with that person. You can do this without them even needing to be present because again it is the inner version of them with whom you are struggling to come to terms.
In hypnotherapy we gently set your overthinking critical conscious mind to the side and engage with your deeper subconscious to move to that place of peace and understanding. It’s truly a beautiful thing to witness as my clients begin a session with such strong negative or sad emotions towards someone and in just that one session come out with a feeling of peace about the relationship. Often times this is a relationship that has burdened them for years or even decades and in such a short time they rise to a new way of seeing things. It truly is a deep spiritual experience to witness.
The understanding that comes from these types of sessions is not just that everything is going to be okay with that relationship’s ending but that the client was whole the entire time. The truth that was always there can be seen clearly when we have this understanding, acceptance and love.
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Disclaimer: Hypnosis is a partnership between the client and the facilitator to create change in both the conscious and subconscious mind. I am a certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, not a Licensed Medical Doctor or Mental Health Professional. As such, hypnotherapy services performed are non-therapeutic and not intended to take the place of professional counseling, medical, or psychological care and should not be used as a substitute for diagnosis or treatment of any condition. I do not work on pain or diagnosed mental or physical conditions without the referral from a licensed practitioner of the healing arts per North Carolina State Statutes. If you are under the care of a medical professional for any condition for which you are seeking hypnosis support, please obtain a signed, written referral from your provider prior to engaging me and moving forward with related sessions.
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